I have often wondered why my boyfriend, Nick, seems so affectionate towards me.  There are days when he can’t seem to take his hands off of me.  At first I found the constant touching very flattering.  But, after a while it just annoyed me and I was concerned that he was just a pervert.  But, now after doing some research I have found my concern is not that he is perverted, but more or less just a male.  In fact, the difference in gender’s touching behaviors has been studied for quite some time. (Dibaise 2)  So what differentiates Nick’s, touching behavior from my own?

                In young relationships like mine, it is common to see more contact by touch.  The more masculine a man is the more they show their status in a relationship through the power of touch.  (Dibaise 7)  In a less developed relationship, trust has not yet been developed so men tend to claim their “property” by physical contact.  Women in young relationships are more submissive and males like to feel dominate.  Once, you are married this sort of behavior does not continue.  Also, men hold hands with women, for the same power claiming reasons. (Dibaise 3)  This explains to why when other men are around us, Nick always seems to want to hold my hand.  He is showing other guys that I am with him and to back off.  There is a difference however when we are not in public.  When he shows affection physically when we are alone, he does it to comfort me, or to be more intimate rather than to show dominance.  By holding my hand when no other men are around it shows he cares, rather than it being a way to show I am with him. (Dibaise

According to studies Nick and I touch one another the same amount of times.  He tends to use his hands while I use other parts of my body to make contact.  For example, if we sit by each other at a restaurant I will bump him with my leg or foot to make contact.   There are also differences in the meaning behind our touches when he puts his arm around my shoulder my arm naturally falls around his waist.  This is not seen as a sexual gesture, yet if Nick was to touch my waist I would assume it to be more sexual.  (Dibaise 2)  Men use touch to attempt to have sex with a girl.  While women like me use it more to maintain relationships.  When I see my boyfriend after long periods of time being apart from one another, all I want to do is show him how much I love him by hugging him.  But studies show that he has different ideas when it comes to touching me. (Ackerman 121)

Another way we touch is when we kiss.  Diane Ackerman says “If people care for each other, then it is less a prelude to mating than a sign of deep regard.”  Nick kisses me when we haven’t seen one another for a long time.  This is because he cares.  But, kissing means different things to men, a kiss is a sign that you are willing to have sex with them.  If I was to kiss Nick, he would initially think it was a sign I want to do more than just kiss. (Ackerman 109) 

                So when Nick touches me in public it is to show dominance, and when he does it when we are alone it is for more intimate reasons.  Hand touching, like when Nick holds my hand, is the ultimate way he shows power over me.  I however do more non hand touching, because at these early stages in our relationship I am more submissive.  (Dibaise  7)  Nick uses touch to try to initiate sex while I use it to show how much I care or love him.  So I was pleased to find that Nick was not just a pervert.  In fact, we actually touch each other just as frequently.  Maybe, next time he flaunts his dominance over me, I should switch up the roles and show him who is really boss.

  Sources

Ackerman, Diane. A Natural History of the Senses. New  York: Vintage Books 1990.

Dibiase, Rosemarie Gunnoe, Jaime. “Gender and Culture Differences in Touching Behavior.” Journal of Social Psychology Vol. 144 (Feb 2004: 1-8.